Wednesday, 6 July 2016

Metamorphosis almost complete:

Weather: zero degrees tonight.

What I'm wearing today: Levi 501's as usual with home made vest.

Mood: pretty damn elated now that I have new laptop :)

Last time I had sex: triassic period or possibly before but happily embracing celibacy.

Mission for today: try to stay focussed on one goal for more than a minute.

What I really want you to know: I wrote dozens of posts for this new blog over several months before I launched it but then when I went back to edit and publish them I realised I didn't like any of them. The thing is, they all have important information that lead up to current events so I guess I just have to publish them anyway. Please be patient with my process and forgive my ranting as I warm up :)

It's almost time for this little moth to come bursting out of her cocoon. It's been a long process of staying inside, all wrapped up in my own secret self - withdrawn and tender. Circumstances sometimes force me to do this and even though I feel unwilling, I know it's necessary to regenerate from time to time (picture a phoenix rising from the ashes).

It's so tempting to become a full-time hermit now and never venture out again but that means that when my daughter leaves home, I'll be here all alone which could possibly feel worse than the despondency I've felt during this metamorphosis stage. And what about travel? You have to leave home to do that and then there's the inevitable meeting of new people too.

I've told people that I have become introspective and even introverted to get them off the scent: why are people so determined to match me off into a couple? Why do they stare at me strangely when I say I'm too freedom loving to ever give up my single status again. They don't realise the barriers that will have to come down just so that I can talk to a man again let alone be intimate together or share a life.

In my fantasy, a man who is flirting with me asks me why I'm single and I decide to be honest and just come out with it: "I'm a bitch," I say smilingly. He laughs hysterically. "No, really, I mean it?" I say and try to convince him. "I'm really moody and jealous and difficult to live with." But the only response is raucous laughter and so I stop smiling to try and drive the point home. "I don't believe it for a minute!" he declares, noting my seriousness and I instantly feel sorry for him. "You're so lovely and sweet and kind," he says, determined to believe himself. And so I laugh in that maniacal way, you know, to really make the point and he asks me for my number ... No, wait, that isn't a fantasy, that's real life and it happened the first and only time I ever went to a single's bar - which is enough to turn anyone into a hermit for the rest of their life!

Actually, in my fantasy, a guy flirts with me in the supermarket line. Oh, he's so lovely looking and, who knows, could be the love of my life but the same thing happens that always happens: I blush from my head to my toes, my vocal cords become paralysed and then I drop my hand basket and run, leaving him staring after me. That's how shy and nervous I've become, that's how guarded and defensive I am, that's what I have to overcome if I am ever to break this stalemate. Being single for the rest of my life is looking good and, let's face it, may be my only option. How do you feel about being single?

Originally written 2nd May, 2016 by LM Malcolm

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