Saturday, 14 January 2017

You know you're done for when...

You start thinking in terms of what will make them feel good, what is it that will make them happy, how do I bring them pleasure, instead of thinking about your usual, selfish self and smugly admiring the walls you've built to keep everyone away.

Every now and then it breaks out of me...I have control during the day but it's the nights when I'm sleeping. It wakes me from my slumber. It's a palpable life force that has a complete separate identity to me - or so it seems. It demands satisfaction and leaves me with my head spinning and I struggle, I really struggle to bring it into line and console myself.

I creep through the house to the kitchen where I warm milk and snack on gingernut biscuits and pick up a book to read and ignore her pleads. Then the bathroom and then back to bed where I down a few more sleeping pills, hug the pillow and blanket to me and wait for unconsciousness to come, praying the soft tears won't turn into convulsions - just waiting for the blackness to come again.

How I Quit the Ratrace and You Can Too - My last blog post

Listen while you read Ever since I can remember I wanted a life out of the rat-race but was unsure how to make it a reality... I wrote ...